There are lots of ideas out there, don’t limit your brainstorm to this list. These are a few ideas that people have appreciated. Along with casseroles of course! Those are still a favourite. Ready to eat fresh fruit or vegetables. The last thing someone who is grieving (or making funeral arrangements) wants to do it wash and peel carrots. Bringing over ready to eat healthy snacks may be just the ticket. It is often not a common thought of thing to bring. Lots bring casseroles, desserts or packaged food (and hey no one is turning you down) but ready to go healthy foods might be really appreciated. A photograph picture. This could be a printed photo of you and the person who died or perhaps the person you are delivering to and the deceased. Either way, printing out photos is a thing of the past so this may be an appreciated gesture to put in a frame or give with a card. Give a small explanation of your choosing “This was your dad and I’s first Halloween at college” (save a copy for yourself!) or “I love this picture of you and your Nana, I wanted to make sure you had a printed copy”. There is no harm in searching social media for one either, we all know those we post as not always making it into a photo album. A Grief Journal. Or just a journal or notebook that can be used however they find helpful. Someone I know whose dad died shared with me their appreciation for this gift that was given to them. She was using it to write down all the special memories she had with her dad and moments and memories she they learned from other people in her dad’s life. The person who gave it started it off with their favourite memory of her dad. I love this idea! Some people also use journals as a means of communication, writing letters or things that they would like to communicate to the person who has died.

Solo parenting and farming seem to go hand in hand, or if that just my view? Okay hear me out, were not mad that our spouses are always working. Perhaps were working off the farm and picking kids up from school, camp, or daycare and just trying to finish out the night with making supper, baths, bed etc. For others we have been in the tractor too, or covering chores, running meals, grabbing parts, and staying home with kids. All jobs that have to be done, but when one spouse is away from the home management or childcare tasks for a majority of the time, the solo parenting can be a heavy weight. Of course there are times that the kids might enjoy being involved and along for the ride- but realistically that can’t always happen with schedules and safety. And with that comes the package of entertainment and snacks too. Nothing is easy! While you feel like your managing it all, the loneliness seeps in, as you start to see other families out on vacations, date nights are happening, and lots of patio time. Social media platforms don’t downplay the comparison game. You might mention your stress to friends but even the ones involved in agriculture don’t quite see it the same as you, of course everyone has struggles but every farm is so different. Employees, amount of acres, custom work or hiring out, livestock involved, the list goes on. You don’t dare mention it to the generation before you as you will often hear “I had to do it all without help when I was raising a family”. So who do you mention it to and how to you come up with a solution? Well I definitely don’t have that answer, as much as I have tried to schedule, plan ahead and share the load there are breakdowns, weather impacts and inconsistent routines. Three things you can try to help if you are the one feeling “solo” Call on your village! Yes even the one’s that told you they had to do it all themselves when they were raising their family, because often they are well meaning, know the struggle and are happy to help. Over schedule help, if you know you need an extra hand then get all on board and don’t be afraid to cancel if you feel you no longer need the assistance. This will leave you feeling like you have a safety net, some support, you’re not running solo. Talk about it! I will bet you that even if you are not in the same situation as another family, they likely can relate on some way. Be mindful of not just using this as a time to vent but also a time to build community, maybe share resources, and find some validation. Reach out, Rural Refresh Counselling in Ontario provides support virtually across Ontario as well as in-person in St Marys, Ontario. Jaclyn specializes in supporting folks who are involved in agriculture.

It’s casual, it’s comfortable, and most of all, convenient! Ugh, your appointment time approaches and you’re wondering what you will wear, if you still have enough dry shampoo left in the bottle, and are already censoring the way you’re going to tell the story about your family conflict. But hey, what if you don’t have to? I have been there, not feeling judged by my counsellor, but by myself. The truth is I am about to open up to this professional about all my stress and frustration in my life, yet I am feeling that I need to arrive from a filtered perspective. What if we don’t have to? Hey, for some of us we don’t go far without a blazer, makeup and hairspray in. If that’s you, then show up authentically. It is different for everyone. Find a therapist who welcomes you as you are. In my office you are welcomed to show up just as you are . I meet with people who are joining virtually from their car before work, or on lunch. Are chowing down their sandwich, praying their kids stay napping during their session, and who have just woken up before the session. PJ’s, lounge clothes, TV dinners, you name it! I welcome it ! Not only that but I welcome you to swear, cry, laugh. This is you, this is your time! I am a mere tool to support you in getting to where you’re going. I am along for the ride, your ride! And truth be told, I likely have dry shampoo in my hair and I am surely dressed for comfort! The recent hype of virtual counselling extends beyond the pandemic, virtually counselling in Ontario has been an opportunity for people to shift their approach to counselling. It has also been a welcomed flexibility for those who may be unable to make appointments and get away from role demands. One hour to hop on during your lunch break or after the kids are down for bed or a nap can seem much more achievable than driving a half an hour, getting daycare, finding parking etc. Especially in these small town rural areas, I know that it can be daunting to make appointments and find time in your schedule to drive into town and make the time for yourself. So here, grab your lunch and let me welcome you, to a casual space with only the expectation of internet (or data from your phone works too!).

I know what you’re hoping for. A phrase? A quote? Something that is going to make the grief go away. Hey! As I Grief Counsellor I wish for the same. The reality is there are helpful things you can say and things you might steer away from but nothing is going to land you in a spot of taking the grief away. Don’t let this stop you from supporting a person though, moving forward with grief is tough and knowing others are there for support might ease some of that pain. Here are some thoughts and things I have learned as I have accompanied people in their experiences with grief. Things that might be helpful to say The thing to note is that it will always be helpful to say something as opposed to ignoring the elephant in the room. You are not reminding them of the loss. This is something likely already think about all the time. Ask how they are doing (and then really listen). Inquire about old memories. Ask what they miss. Tell them you are sorry to hear about what they are going through. Share that you’re sorry that their time with them was cut short. Offer something “I am bringing food, any favourites?” If you knew the person share memories or things you’ll miss. Say their name. Ask their name if you don’t know it and use it in conversation and questions. Nothing at all. Let them cry and don’t say something to shuffle the conversation along. Be present with them in the silence, in the emotion. Grief is lonely, let the silence provide space for shared compassion, emotion and support. It’s okay if you fumble or say something you wish you hadn’t. Just show your compassion, pause, don’t rush the conversation, and create space for them. Things that might not be helpful Try to steer clear of phrases that minimize the emotions and experience of grief. Think of phrases that might shut conversation down or make them question how they are feeling. They wouldn’t want you to be sad. Everything happens for a reason. They are in a better place.

Create or attend Rituals: Rituals are an opportunity for those who are grieving to outwardly express grief, alone or with others who are experiencing the same loss. A ritual helps to acknowledge the reality of the death, to express grief and to share an opportunity of remembering the individual who has died. Though in Western society we are often expected to have a funeral shortly after the death, this is only one kind of ritual and many people choose other rituals, shortly after the death or a long while later. Say the name of the person who died: Using the name of the person who died will invite others to do the same. This will not only keep the legacy of this individual in your mind and conversation, but others too. Some people say that it is comforting to hear the name of the individual who died, a name they don’t ever want to forget. Keep comfort objects close by: It is not unusual to save clothing, hair, personal items etc. to help us remember the person who died and honour their legacy. You may be comforted by the physical touch of these items or just knowing that you have them in your procession. Some choose to make these items into pillows, or bears or keep them in a box with other special memories. Find a friend in Grief: No, you don’t have to be friends with grief, but how about reaching out to someone else who is grieving too. Or maybe you have someone that has reached out to you. Call each other and provide peer support, listen without judgement, meet up when it feels right? This could be both a benefit and a support for both of you! Talk to the person you’re missing: Talk to photos, in the car, or at the cemetery! Wherever you feel the presence of this individual (or want to), talk! Sometimes you might find yourself thinking of things that you want to say or would usually share with the person who had died. This is normal and it is okay to still share it if that is a comfort to you.