Finding the Right Words at a Visitation or Funeral

It can be awkward, I feel that way too (and I am a grief counsellor!)! Sometimes it’s quick as there’s a big line and you’re rushing through, sometimes there is no line, and sometimes the people in front of you have a lot to say so you keep being stalled and waiting long after you feel you’ve said your part. 

But what are we saying? Well there is no magic line. Of course it depends if you are there to support a family member but don’t know the deceased, you know the person who died well, or maybe you are there because you knew them years ago, through work, in the community etc. 

Here’s a few pointers that might share some support, and maybe even suppress some of the awkwardness. 

• “I have no words, I just feel so sad and want you to know that I am thinking of you lots”

• “I remember _____ always ______ and I will always smile/laugh when I think of that”

• “I always wondered if ____________” (give the opportunity to those grieving to share something about the person they are missing). 

• “I am a friend/colleague/neighbour of _______ and I will always remember ______________”

• “The thing I will miss the most is _________”

• “I noticed in the pictures ______ I didn’t know that ________” (refer to the pictures and posters that are often put together for a visitation or funeral – they take a lot of work and time). 

Try to steer clear from saying things like:

• “Let me know if there is anything you need/anything I can do.”

  • This puts the weight on the person grieving to reach out- and we know they seldom do. Instead say something like: I am going to check in with you next week before I head to get groceries and see what I can pick up for you (practical real life suggestions). 

• “They are in a better place/out of pain/no longer suffering.”

  •  This diminishes the pain the person is experiencing and might make them question if their feelings are valid. 

• “At least they lived so long.” Etc. etc.

  • All these types of platitudes can again minimize the experience and leave a griever wondering if their feelings are valid. 

So, no magic phrase but hopefully some helpful ways to stay connected and offer support next time you find yourself face to face with someone grieving. Attending visitations and funerals can be a big source of support for people who are grieving. I hope you won’t steer away for fear of awkwardness or not knowing what to say. Often showing up is just enough.