"I'm a burnt out caregiver with no other options." *Big exhale. You aren’t alone. Caregiving is a long-term commitment, and one that most of us don’t sign up for. If you’re an informal caregiver maybe this role has instead landed on your lap. If your feeling burnt out it is important to know it is not a reflection of the love you have for this person or your abilities as a caregiver. In fact, sometimes it is quite the opposite. Maybe you are feeling the need to give this person everything you can (be it resources, time, care etc.) because they mean so much to you (and often we feel most secure with our own abilities, rather than trusting others). Makes sense. And maybe you’re the one that has learned how to do the dressings, communicate clearly, advocate, and knows who to be connected with. That makes sense too.  Burn out is a state of exhaustion. You’re not shocked to hear that are you? Mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically too, we are worn down by caregiving and all that it encompasses. When we are physically present and when our mind is racing hours into the night too. Brain fog, sleeping troubles, a sense of overwhelm and helplessness, the state of ongoing exhaustion.  Here are 4 steps to take today towards wellness as a caregiver.  Write down the positives. After visits, or even every phone calls or doctors appointment. Anything from “their weight hasn’t changed” to “I was able to keep my patience while listening to them repeat the question multiple times”. Keep a journal and keep going.  Visualize your care team. That can mean making a meeting with everyone, making a list of whose involved or keeping business cards and contact information on your fridge. Then keep in mind their skills, we can’t all be good at everything. Note who to ask for what, what times they are available and hold each one accountable to their role. This may require some advocacy! Who are your  supports? I know you read the last one and thought about the person who you’re caring for, but who is caring for you? I am talking about your therapist, your friend who will drop everything and meet for coffee, the caregiver helpline etc. etc. who do you have? Make a schedule and include things you look forward to. That can mean taking a drive, reading for a half an hour while you have someone to help with personal care, taking off a day to do whatever you want. If it feels like you can’t get away right now focus on little bits of time that you can look forward to.  Reach out to supports that are flexible to suitable to your schedule. At Rural Refresh we support caregivers virtually all over Ontario. For some they are booking in for a phone call while their loved one is sleeping. For others it’s a virtual call when they have support from a family member. If you’re local to St. Marys and Embro, Ontario area, a walk and talk might be the best way to have both support and movement. Appointment times vary throughout the day to make it convenient for you.

Sitting face to face is not the only way to do therapy. We aren’t created equal and we all bring something different with us, along with a different comfort level. My favorite way to work with clients is often through movement. Walking and Talking Walking while in therapy is becoming more popular. The idea of meeting in a park or an agreed on location, moving together, and being in nature is really an attractive option for both clients and counsellors. Clients often report they feel less stress about being face to face with a counsellor having conversations that can sometimes be uncomfortable. While it does engage physical movement, our walks are not exercise based, are comfortable to the client, and include breaks and benches where helpful. The bilateral stimulation of moving side by side can help to regulate the nervous system and engage both sides of our brain. An added plus, it can be less intimidating than looking into the eyes of your therapist. Yoga and Therapy Yoga integrated Therapy is something that I offer to clients who are sometimes more comfortable in finding connection through movement. For some they are familiar with the poses and values of yoga and for others they are new beginners with an open mind to something less traditional than face-to-face therapy. If your familiar with restorative yoga, that would be the type of slow, relaxing, and very mindful movements that are happening in sessions. While we often sit on the floor or on a mat, some poses are offered from standing and others are done while cozied with a blanket. You take the lead! Mindfulness and Mindful Movements Somatic therapy is an approach to providing therapy that focuses on your mind-body connection. Breathing exercises, practices of mindfulness, movement, and other nervous system regulators may be a highlight in this style of support. The focus is on being aware and present to the physical ways that we are impacted by stress and trauma. So, if you’re feeling like you aren’t one for sitting in a chair and talking face to face with a therapist, know that you don’t have to! There are lots of other ways to benefit from support and find comfort in counselling. Make it casual, make it yours! Both in person and virtual counselling is available. Accessible and suited to your schedule.

Oh boy, this is a favourite topic of mine! I live in a small rural town in Ontario. There is lots of stigma and ideas about what therapy is or what it should look like. I have heard comments like “Hope I don’t need therapy”, “It’s not that bad”, “I am not that far gone” etc. It’s too bad really because I often wonder if stigma is a barrier to seeking support. I invite you to engage in support, find a counsellor that will meet you where you’re at. If it’s “not that bad” then maybe this is an opportunity to engage your strengths and coping strategies that are working to ensure their presence when or if you need them. Counselling can be a good opportunity to check in, review your relationships and supports and feel refreshed in moving forward. Your wellbeing doesn’t have to wait, your mind and body wellness deserve the same attention. If you are feeling like you aren’t in need of routine support that’s okay! Often people expect that when they start counselling they will be expected to return each week or biweekly. That’s not the case. Many professionals will discuss this at the end of the session, provide a summary, and maybe some insight on what might be helpful. Often that includes conversation about when it would be helpful to meet again, for some it is weekly to start, and monthly to follow, for others it is certain times of the year or during especially difficult seasons. It really is yours to decide how often you might schedule in, but yes now is a good time to start!

Grief when no one has died? Yes! Grief is a response that makes its way into our lives following (and even before) many changes, transitions and losses that are not death related. I have listed many types (but definitely not all) of loss below, but what you should know is that grief does not discriminate. Loss of marriage Loss of safety Loss of health Loss of relationships Loss of your youth Loss of job Loss of fertility Loss of independence Loss of a dream L oss of your home Loss of your community Loss of financial security Loss of faith Loss of identity or roles Grief from a non-death loss can sometimes be referred to as a living loss. Meaning that it is ongoing, the loss may or may not be the result of a certain event and may or may not happen quickly. The response however is often grief. Often the permission to grieve and the acknowledgment from society is limited. Our norms don’t make room for the support and recognition the way they do for death losses. Rituals and funerals are limited. The tangible elements involved in a death loss are not often present and so it is not acknowledged in the same way. But for you, maybe what your feeling feels similar to a death loss? If you have experienced a change, loss or transition in your life, perhaps you are experiencing grief. Maybe you’re longing for the way things were before? Finding yourself with a low mood, having sleep disturbances, changes to your appetite, sadness, head aches etc. While everyone is different this could be grief! So what now? Find support! You may feel even more isolated or alone in these types of experiences of grief. There are not as many calls, casseroles or check in calls when you move, in comparison to when a parent dies. But there still are supports. Rural Refresh, a grief counselling agency serving Ontario, located in Embro, with an office space in St Marys, specializes in providing support for both death and non-death loss. In my work with clients, through validation and support we initiate ritual where helpful, and build strategies towards a more validated experience with grief.

It can be awkward, I feel that way too (and I am a grief counsellor!)! Sometimes it’s quick as there’s a big line and you’re rushing through, sometimes there is no line, and sometimes the people in front of you have a lot to say so you keep being stalled and waiting long after you feel you’ve said your part.  But what are we saying? Well there is no magic line. Of course it depends if you are there to support a family member but don’t know the deceased, you know the person who died well, or maybe you are there because you knew them years ago, through work, in the community etc.  Here’s a few pointers that might share some support, and maybe even suppress some of the awkwardness.  “I have no words, I just feel so sad and want you to know that I am thinking of you lots” “I remember _____ always ______ and I will always smile/laugh when I think of that” “I always wondered if ____________” (give the opportunity to those grieving to share something about the person they are missing).  “I am a friend/colleague/neighbour of _______ and I will always remember ______________” “The thing I will miss the most is _________” “I noticed in the pictures ______ I didn’t know that ________” (refer to the pictures and posters that are often put together for a visitation or funeral – they take a lot of work and time).  Try to steer clear from saying things like: “Let me know if there is anything you need/anything I can do.” This puts the weight on the person grieving to reach out- and we know they seldom do. Instead say something like: I am going to check in with you next week before I head to get groceries and see what I can pick up for you (practical real life suggestions).  “They are in a better place/out of pain/no longer suffering.”  This diminishes the pain the person is experiencing and might make them question if their feelings are valid.  “At least they lived so long.” Etc. etc. All these types of platitudes can again minimize the experience and leave a griever wondering if their feelings are valid.  So, no magic phrase but hopefully some helpful ways to stay connected and offer support next time you find yourself face to face with someone grieving. Attending visitations and funerals can be a big source of support for people who are grieving. I hope you won’t steer away for fear of awkwardness or not knowing what to say. Often showing up is just enough.

One of the biggest questions or concerns I hear as an Ontario counsellor focusing on grieving is, “Is this normal?”. Well, there is no normal, there is no one way, your way will look different than others and thank goodness. We aren’t robots. Our relationships are different, our supports, coping skills and resources, are all different too.  So often we tell ourselves stories of what it should look like: the movies give us a romanticized image, and policies at work restrict us to impossible timelines, and we tell ourselves to buck up and move on. We tell ourselves things like “they were old”, “we would have had to move eventually anyways”, “the farm will still be taken care of”, and “some people have it worse” etc. Often we know deep down that this person or thing is worth us missing, remembering, and honouring, be it through our grief, rituals, memories or all of the above! The hardest part is going against the expectations that society has laid out for us.  Grief is a natural response to a loss, a change, or a transition. It is a response that can show up in our bodies, mind, mood etc. There are no set of symptoms or boxes to tick. Everyone’s experience will look different based on who they are, where they live, the loss, the support they have, and so on. As a grief counsellor working in Ontario, I would say for most people the best way through grief is just that, through it! Not dodging it or trying to rush it- grief does wait for us. Simply being aware of it and knowing there is no quick fix or treatment. Instead, focusing on supports and finding validation that is helpful, and building boundaries where necessary with those that aren’t. Maybe that’s a trusted friend, a professional support or a peer group.  Reach out to Rural Refresh (offering virtual counselling across Ontario and in person counselling in St Marys Ontario) to discuss what supports might be helpful for you.

I am well aware of the stress beyond the seat, the family, kids, people in the barn or in the home holding things together. But here I am talking to you- the farmer. The one in the seat, in the field and in a lot of situations maybe spending your waking hours both in the barn and in the seat.  Hear me out. You’re a farmer, you’ve had the seed and equipment ready to go, you know you have some sunshine and good weather before a big rain coming and are rushing to get the seed in the ground. You have some done, but a long way to go. But you’re burnt out, you’re on edge, and you have barely seen your family or communicated much with friends, let alone stopped for proper meals and food.  It’s a problem, it’s a culture, and for many it is a generational cycle, almost an expectation, and a grim reality of farming. All the while stress and suicide rates are on the rise. No one’s shocked, but often it’s the mentality that it’s just a part of the job, the lifestyle. There may be no quite fix, or lifestyle overhaul that will change the reality of the stress that accompanies work in agriculture (at least not one that I am aware of), but maybe instead the changes come from small steps towards wellbeing, or maybe just “betterbeing”.  Worth a try ways to boost your mood and find a wee bit more wellbeing while farming.  Call your kids before they go to bed or in the morning before they head off to camp or school (safely of course). A quick call from the tractor, a video, or a message that can be read to fill both your bucket and there’s.   If you’re in the field with a breakdown or waiting for a delivery or part, get out of the seat. Walk around, touch the dirt, and move your body, at least stand up! Drink more water! Your day is getting away on your, you’re later than you thought you’d be so you skipped meals and didn’t pack enough food. At very least pack more water! More than you think you’ll need, keep it in the tractor, have it accessible.  Listen to a podcast or call a friend. An uplifting one, something or someone that brings you joy or you feel will brighten the day.  Plan something to look forward to. Brainstorm in the tractor, think of ideas of places to visit or activities to do. You don’t have to have a deadline or date necessarily, but having something to look forward to might bring you beyond the stress of the season.  Small and sustainable changes this season – that’s where we can start.

Lots of information out there stating that there really is no scientific evidence for blue Monday. But I do feel it, maybe you do? Not necessarily Blue Monday but other days, the lacking sunshine, the dreary afternoons and long season. There can be a heaviness and a lacking of energy and joy that accompanies the winter months. Especially in Canada, in Ontario, there are lots of people that struggle with the season. Here are some ways that you might get through winter, and maybe even find some joy in your days this season.  Schedule in things to look forward to.  Make it simple and achievable: walk a new trail, indulge in a new show or find a new book. Make a date with a friend for coffee or schedule in plans to hit up a new local shop or bookstore. Add things to your calendar that bring you joy. There are so many free opportunities out there too! Learn something new.  Maybe this is from a new book your reading or a course or workshop available through your local library or a local business. Visit somewhere new, stop in at your local tourism centre. We don’t know it all and there is always more to learn. There are lots of online classes and places to learn for free.  List people to call or connect with.  Hey, if you’re feeling lonely or down, I can assure you that you aren’t the only one. Reach out with a phone call to someone you haven’t visited for a while. Does a phone call or visit sound scary? How about sending some snail mail, a note, text or card? Mail that isn’t a bill? That’s bound to lift anyone’s mood! Get outside! I know, but it’s dark, cold and damp. But hey, you know the benefits! I know you do! Maybe it’s just a few minutes, a walk to the mailbox, or shovelling off your walk way. Just a few minutes might be just the ticket to lift your spirits.  Be okay with slow days! If you’re like me this can be tough. But add things to your list if you must, things like watching a movie, baking a treat, staying in your pjs, having a hot drink. Lists don’t always have to be daunting. Maybe they are relaxing too?

There are lots of ideas out there, don’t limit your brainstorm to this list. These are a few ideas that people have appreciated. Along with casseroles of course! Those are still a favourite. Ready to eat fresh fruit or vegetables. The last thing someone who is grieving (or making funeral arrangements) wants to do it wash and peel carrots. Bringing over ready to eat healthy snacks may be just the ticket. It is often not a common thought of thing to bring. Lots bring casseroles, desserts or packaged food (and hey no one is turning you down) but ready to go healthy foods might be really appreciated. A photograph picture. This could be a printed photo of you and the person who died or perhaps the person you are delivering to and the deceased. Either way, printing out photos is a thing of the past so this may be an appreciated gesture to put in a frame or give with a card. Give a small explanation of your choosing “This was your dad and I’s first Halloween at college” (save a copy for yourself!) or “I love this picture of you and your Nana, I wanted to make sure you had a printed copy”. There is no harm in searching social media for one either, we all know those we post as not always making it into a photo album. A Grief Journal. Or just a journal or notebook that can be used however they find helpful. Someone I know whose dad died shared with me their appreciation for this gift that was given to them. She was using it to write down all the special memories she had with her dad and moments and memories she they learned from other people in her dad’s life. The person who gave it started it off with their favourite memory of her dad. I love this idea! Some people also use journals as a means of communication, writing letters or things that they would like to communicate to the person who has died.

Solo parenting and farming seem to go hand in hand, or if that just my view? Okay hear me out, were not mad that our spouses are always working. Perhaps were working off the farm and picking kids up from school, camp, or daycare and just trying to finish out the night with making supper, baths, bed etc. For others we have been in the tractor too, or covering chores, running meals, grabbing parts, and staying home with kids. All jobs that have to be done, but when one spouse is away from the home management or childcare tasks for a majority of the time, the solo parenting can be a heavy weight. Of course there are times that the kids might enjoy being involved and along for the ride- but realistically that can’t always happen with schedules and safety. And with that comes the package of entertainment and snacks too. Nothing is easy! While you feel like your managing it all, the loneliness seeps in, as you start to see other families out on vacations, date nights are happening, and lots of patio time. Social media platforms don’t downplay the comparison game. You might mention your stress to friends but even the ones involved in agriculture don’t quite see it the same as you, of course everyone has struggles but every farm is so different. Employees, amount of acres, custom work or hiring out, livestock involved, the list goes on. You don’t dare mention it to the generation before you as you will often hear “I had to do it all without help when I was raising a family”. So who do you mention it to and how to you come up with a solution? Well I definitely don’t have that answer, as much as I have tried to schedule, plan ahead and share the load there are breakdowns, weather impacts and inconsistent routines. Three things you can try to help if you are the one feeling “solo” Call on your village! Yes even the one’s that told you they had to do it all themselves when they were raising their family, because often they are well meaning, know the struggle and are happy to help. Over schedule help, if you know you need an extra hand then get all on board and don’t be afraid to cancel if you feel you no longer need the assistance. This will leave you feeling like you have a safety net, some support, you’re not running solo. Talk about it! I will bet you that even if you are not in the same situation as another family, they likely can relate on some way. Be mindful of not just using this as a time to vent but also a time to build community, maybe share resources, and find some validation. Reach out, Rural Refresh Counselling in Ontario provides support virtually across Ontario as well as in-person in St Marys, Ontario. Jaclyn specializes in supporting folks who are involved in agriculture.

It’s casual, it’s comfortable, and most of all, convenient! Ugh, your appointment time approaches and you’re wondering what you will wear, if you still have enough dry shampoo left in the bottle, and are already censoring the way you’re going to tell the story about your family conflict. But hey, what if you don’t have to? I have been there, not feeling judged by my counsellor, but by myself. The truth is I am about to open up to this professional about all my stress and frustration in my life, yet I am feeling that I need to arrive from a filtered perspective. What if we don’t have to? Hey, for some of us we don’t go far without a blazer, makeup and hairspray in. If that’s you, then show up authentically. It is different for everyone. Find a therapist who welcomes you as you are. In my office you are welcomed to show up just as you are . I meet with people who are joining virtually from their car before work, or on lunch. Are chowing down their sandwich, praying their kids stay napping during their session, and who have just woken up before the session. PJ’s, lounge clothes, TV dinners, you name it! I welcome it ! Not only that but I welcome you to swear, cry, laugh. This is you, this is your time! I am a mere tool to support you in getting to where you’re going. I am along for the ride, your ride! And truth be told, I likely have dry shampoo in my hair and I am surely dressed for comfort! The recent hype of virtual counselling extends beyond the pandemic, virtually counselling in Ontario has been an opportunity for people to shift their approach to counselling. It has also been a welcomed flexibility for those who may be unable to make appointments and get away from role demands. One hour to hop on during your lunch break or after the kids are down for bed or a nap can seem much more achievable than driving a half an hour, getting daycare, finding parking etc. Especially in these small town rural areas, I know that it can be daunting to make appointments and find time in your schedule to drive into town and make the time for yourself. So here, grab your lunch and let me welcome you, to a casual space with only the expectation of internet (or data from your phone works too!).

I know what you’re hoping for. A phrase? A quote? Something that is going to make the grief go away. Hey! As I Grief Counsellor I wish for the same. The reality is there are helpful things you can say and things you might steer away from but nothing is going to land you in a spot of taking the grief away. Don’t let this stop you from supporting a person though, moving forward with grief is tough and knowing others are there for support might ease some of that pain. Here are some thoughts and things I have learned as I have accompanied people in their experiences with grief. Things that might be helpful to say The thing to note is that it will always be helpful to say something as opposed to ignoring the elephant in the room. You are not reminding them of the loss. This is something likely already think about all the time. Ask how they are doing (and then really listen). Inquire about old memories. Ask what they miss. Tell them you are sorry to hear about what they are going through. Share that you’re sorry that their time with them was cut short. Offer something “I am bringing food, any favourites?” If you knew the person share memories or things you’ll miss. Say their name. Ask their name if you don’t know it and use it in conversation and questions. Nothing at all. Let them cry and don’t say something to shuffle the conversation along. Be present with them in the silence, in the emotion. Grief is lonely, let the silence provide space for shared compassion, emotion and support. It’s okay if you fumble or say something you wish you hadn’t. Just show your compassion, pause, don’t rush the conversation, and create space for them. Things that might not be helpful Try to steer clear of phrases that minimize the emotions and experience of grief. Think of phrases that might shut conversation down or make them question how they are feeling. They wouldn’t want you to be sad. Everything happens for a reason. They are in a better place.