Oh boy, this is a favourite topic of mine! I live in a small rural town in Ontario. There is lots of stigma and ideas about what therapy is or what it should look like. I have heard comments like “Hope I don’t need therapy”, “It’s not that bad”, “I am not that far gone” etc. It’s too bad really because I often wonder if stigma is a barrier to seeking support. I invite you to engage in support, find a counsellor that will meet you where you’re at. If it’s “not that bad” then maybe this is an opportunity to engage your strengths and coping strategies that are working to ensure their presence when or if you need them. Counselling can be a good opportunity to check in, review your relationships and supports and feel refreshed in moving forward. Your wellbeing doesn’t have to wait, your mind and body wellness deserve the same attention. If you are feeling like you aren’t in need of routine support that’s okay! Often people expect that when they start counselling they will be expected to return each week or biweekly. That’s not the case. Many professionals will discuss this at the end of the session, provide a summary, and maybe some insight on what might be helpful. Often that includes conversation about when it would be helpful to meet again, for some it is weekly to start, and monthly to follow, for others it is certain times of the year or during especially difficult seasons. It really is yours to decide how often you might schedule in, but yes now is a good time to start!

There seems to be this perception of what counselling looks like. Thanks to the movies, likely! The client is sitting on a leather couch with their feet up, the counsellor sitting on a tall wingback chair with a clipboard making notes and asking the question, “How do you feel about that?”. Maybe in some settings this is still the case, but in all the years I have been in practice, and gone to counselling, this has not been my experience. Instead I value the opportunity to have my clients feel comfortable- in their own way! Now, it is important to know that I believe some of the best “work” happens in being challenged and having conversations about things that can sometimes feel uncomfortable. I am talking comfort in the environment though. Feeling like you are in a space that you belong and can open up. Perhaps that’s joining virtually from your home in one of your comfortable chairs, in your cozy clothes, and with a can of pop. For others it might be coming into an office where you can grab a pillow or fidget with an item accessible to you. Knowing there is no judgement in showing up as you are – dry shampoo, comfortable clothes, arriving in the door just on time. You name it! I want it to feel as accessible as possible, which means limited added pressures of being expected to show up a certain way. I also have clients who enjoy having yoga or movement integrated into sessions. Who prefer to sit on the floor on a mat, or who appreciate movement and breathe work throughout. Some feel most comfortable with talking while walking and benefit from the outdoor movement and bilateral stimulation- of walking side by side and engaging both sides of the brain. I often find that virtual counselling is a way for clients to feel most comfortable to show up as they are, when they can. No commute or drive time, in their own space, and often appointments that fit into their schedule more easily. I have met clients virtually, who have joined from their car on their lunch breaks, after children or other dependants are in bed, in the morning before going to work, outside on their deck, at their kitchen table etc. I personally love the opportunity to see people in their own space. Clients reach over to grab a photo of the person they are grieving, or show me their new picture they painted, or the flowers that someone brought for them. Connections and sharing that is not always possible at an office. I always appreciate the opportunity to build rapport and laugh, connect over counselling but also just life and pieces of your everyday. Counselling doesn’t have to feel stuffy and is definitely not mirrored to the movies. Each session should feel unique to you. Find a counsellor who is more casual or connects in a way that feels meaningful to you. Your working relationship can have a big impact on how you experience and receive support.

Virtual Counselling: What do I need? Not much. Truly. I often have clients who say that they were feeling intimidated by the idea of starting therapy, and chose virtual counselling as the best place to start. I agree. I also see a counsellor virtually and it is much more achievable in my day. I book my session for a time when my children are napping and I take comfort in knowing I need an hour, not an hour session + 1 hour travel + finding a sitter or rearranging my schedule. It seems much simpler this way and I find it very comfortable and casual, and definitely more accessible. I often join with a blanket on my lap and warm drink in my hand. I feel comfortable in my own home and find I am able to connect very similarly to when I have met my counsellor in person. Research tells us that virtual counselling can be just as helpful as in-person counselling. You are still able to connect and receive support in many of the same ways. Virtual support also makes it possible to meet with a professional who may have more expertise but is outside of your geographical area. It can also be a great option for people who have difficulty with accessibility or just feel most comfortable in their own space. Of course you don’t need a blanket and a warm drink, but here is what you do need . As a counsellor I ask that you have a confidential space to connect from. One where you feel you can openly discuss and receive support. I do offer the opportunity to connect virtually with a secure platform, although I have had others who feel most comfortable on the phone too. While a good internet connection is very helpful , I have definitely had clients that start out virtual and end the session on the phone as their internet connection is poor. Rural life, I get it! I usually set up a back-up plan with clients during the first sessions, in case it is needed. I want counselling to not feel like something that is not out of reach. I know everyone has a story, a schedule, and a space they feel most comfortable. I am happy to meet you there.

I won’t be the first to tell you that our bodies and mind are better off with movement, and I won’t be the last either. Since years ago parents would encourage their kids outside to play and run and though exercise was not always as widely spoken about, the benefits have been highlighted for decades. The good news is you don’t have to be athletic to fit in movement. There are so many forms of movement now, sports, dance, yoga, walking, and boxing are only a few. Heck, just parking further away from the store might be a good place to start. Movement can increase our “feel good” hormone, and can then increase feelings of happiness and relieve stress. Movement also offers the body and mind an opportunity to co-regulate. Think of nervous system regulation, you are stressed, upset and your heart is racing. You get outside and take a walk and move. Often people in similar situations report that their mental health has improved with movement. Wondering where to start? Start small. Park further away from your destination. Meet a friend for a walk and then a coffee. Take an extra lap around the grocery store. You get the point. It does not always need to look like an exercise class or a running group. Find something you enjoy. Walking by the water might sound more enjoyable than walking on a treadmill. Listen to your podcast while you’re walking. Start with a yoga class or try a new style of dance. Find what works for you. There are lots of options so it can be more enjoyable.   Find community. This is not true for everyone but often some peer support (or should I say pressure) can be helpful to engage and keep up with movement. Walking with a friend every Thursday might make it more appealing to go out when it’s cold or a bit rainy. Did anyone else start a yoga class during the lock down of 2020 and stop just to lay on the floor during the youtube workout because, heck, no one would know anyways? Community and a little peer pressure really does help! All this to say it doesn’t have to be a big change, but small changes can have a ripple effect. Move your body and notice your mind and wellbeing. Noticing and appreciating can be a great motivator to continuing!

Decluttering and spring cleaning season is upon us. It is no shock to know that our mental health is tied to our physical state- of clutter or organization. Mental well-being can lead to better sleep, a clearer mind, and improved relationships lower depressive thoughts, etc. etc. Finding spots for your belongings can be an increasingly difficult task in a consumer driven society. Online shopping is quite literally at our fingertips and delivery services are more convenient than ever. Sometimes the task can feel daunting, often there are ties to the things you need to organize or sort through, perhaps you’re grieving the person who these belonged to or they have a special meaning that makes it difficult to part with. If that’s the case, start slow, with a small space, or short amount of time. Organizing can leave you feeling exhausted so have compassion in your experience. Find support in sorting. Sorting through your parent’s belongings with a sibling or someone else that knew the original owner or the special tie to the item can feel better than making all the decisions solo. Here are some ways to get started: Listen to music or set a timer. Start with 10 minutes and see what items you can come up with to pass on. Pick a meaningful place to pass on items. Is your nephew moving to a new apartment and in need of kitchen supplies? A young family in need of kids clothing or toys? Is there a neighbourhood garage sale weekend or a “free page” in your community? And my favourite one of all. When you buy a new piece of clothing or kitchen utensil or accessory etc, swap it out for an old one. Did you neeeeed another sweater or can this new one replace one of the other ones that you no longer wear? The most important part is just to start. Start slow. Start with support, but just get started. See the benefits for your mental health and continue from there. If you feel like you could benefit from additional support for your mental health or grief and you are located in Ontario. Please reach out. Rural Refresh is a counselling agency supporting adults in Oxford and Perth county (and virtually across Ontario), who are experiencing loss or transitions.

"I'm a burnt out caregiver with no other options." *Big exhale. You aren’t alone. Caregiving is a long-term commitment, and one that most of us don’t sign up for. If you’re an informal caregiver maybe this role has instead landed on your lap. If your feeling burnt out it is important to know it is not a reflection of the love you have for this person or your abilities as a caregiver. In fact, sometimes it is quite the opposite. Maybe you are feeling the need to give this person everything you can (be it resources, time, care etc.) because they mean so much to you (and often we feel most secure with our own abilities, rather than trusting others). Makes sense. And maybe you’re the one that has learned how to do the dressings, communicate clearly, advocate, and knows who to be connected with. That makes sense too.  Burn out is a state of exhaustion. You’re not shocked to hear that are you? Mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically too, we are worn down by caregiving and all that it encompasses. When we are physically present and when our mind is racing hours into the night too. Brain fog, sleeping troubles, a sense of overwhelm and helplessness, the state of ongoing exhaustion.  Here are 4 steps to take today towards wellness as a caregiver.  Write down the positives. After visits, or even every phone calls or doctors appointment. Anything from “their weight hasn’t changed” to “I was able to keep my patience while listening to them repeat the question multiple times”. Keep a journal and keep going.  Visualize your care team. That can mean making a meeting with everyone, making a list of whose involved or keeping business cards and contact information on your fridge. Then keep in mind their skills, we can’t all be good at everything. Note who to ask for what, what times they are available and hold each one accountable to their role. This may require some advocacy! Who are your  supports? I know you read the last one and thought about the person who you’re caring for, but who is caring for you? I am talking about your therapist, your friend who will drop everything and meet for coffee, the caregiver helpline etc. etc. who do you have? Make a schedule and include things you look forward to. That can mean taking a drive, reading for a half an hour while you have someone to help with personal care, taking off a day to do whatever you want. If it feels like you can’t get away right now focus on little bits of time that you can look forward to.  Reach out to supports that are flexible to suitable to your schedule. At Rural Refresh we support caregivers virtually all over Ontario. For some they are booking in for a phone call while their loved one is sleeping. For others it’s a virtual call when they have support from a family member. If you’re local to St. Marys and Embro, Ontario area, a walk and talk might be the best way to have both support and movement. Appointment times vary throughout the day to make it convenient for you.

Sitting face to face is not the only way to do therapy. We aren’t created equal and we all bring something different with us, along with a different comfort level. My favorite way to work with clients is often through movement. Walking and Talking Walking while in therapy is becoming more popular. The idea of meeting in a park or an agreed on location, moving together, and being in nature is really an attractive option for both clients and counsellors. Clients often report they feel less stress about being face to face with a counsellor having conversations that can sometimes be uncomfortable. While it does engage physical movement, our walks are not exercise based, are comfortable to the client, and include breaks and benches where helpful. The bilateral stimulation of moving side by side can help to regulate the nervous system and engage both sides of our brain. An added plus, it can be less intimidating than looking into the eyes of your therapist. Yoga and Therapy Yoga integrated Therapy is something that I offer to clients who are sometimes more comfortable in finding connection through movement. For some they are familiar with the poses and values of yoga and for others they are new beginners with an open mind to something less traditional than face-to-face therapy. If your familiar with restorative yoga, that would be the type of slow, relaxing, and very mindful movements that are happening in sessions. While we often sit on the floor or on a mat, some poses are offered from standing and others are done while cozied with a blanket. You take the lead! Mindfulness and Mindful Movements Somatic therapy is an approach to providing therapy that focuses on your mind-body connection. Breathing exercises, practices of mindfulness, movement, and other nervous system regulators may be a highlight in this style of support. The focus is on being aware and present to the physical ways that we are impacted by stress and trauma. So, if you’re feeling like you aren’t one for sitting in a chair and talking face to face with a therapist, know that you don’t have to! There are lots of other ways to benefit from support and find comfort in counselling. Make it casual, make it yours! Both in person and virtual counselling is available. Accessible and suited to your schedule.

Grief when no one has died? Yes! Grief is a response that makes its way into our lives following (and even before) many changes, transitions and losses that are not death related. I have listed many types (but definitely not all) of loss below, but what you should know is that grief does not discriminate. Loss of marriage Loss of safety Loss of health Loss of relationships Loss of your youth Loss of job Loss of fertility Loss of independence Loss of a dream L oss of your home Loss of your community Loss of financial security Loss of faith Loss of identity or roles Grief from a non-death loss can sometimes be referred to as a living loss. Meaning that it is ongoing, the loss may or may not be the result of a certain event and may or may not happen quickly. The response however is often grief. Often the permission to grieve and the acknowledgment from society is limited. Our norms don’t make room for the support and recognition the way they do for death losses. Rituals and funerals are limited. The tangible elements involved in a death loss are not often present and so it is not acknowledged in the same way. But for you, maybe what your feeling feels similar to a death loss? If you have experienced a change, loss or transition in your life, perhaps you are experiencing grief. Maybe you’re longing for the way things were before? Finding yourself with a low mood, having sleep disturbances, changes to your appetite, sadness, head aches etc. While everyone is different this could be grief! So what now? Find support! You may feel even more isolated or alone in these types of experiences of grief. There are not as many calls, casseroles or check in calls when you move, in comparison to when a parent dies. But there still are supports. Rural Refresh, a grief counselling agency serving Ontario, located in Embro, with an office space in St Marys, specializes in providing support for both death and non-death loss. In my work with clients, through validation and support we initiate ritual where helpful, and build strategies towards a more validated experience with grief.

It can be awkward, I feel that way too (and I am a grief counsellor!)! Sometimes it’s quick as there’s a big line and you’re rushing through, sometimes there is no line, and sometimes the people in front of you have a lot to say so you keep being stalled and waiting long after you feel you’ve said your part.  But what are we saying? Well there is no magic line. Of course it depends if you are there to support a family member but don’t know the deceased, you know the person who died well, or maybe you are there because you knew them years ago, through work, in the community etc.  Here’s a few pointers that might share some support, and maybe even suppress some of the awkwardness.  “I have no words, I just feel so sad and want you to know that I am thinking of you lots” “I remember _____ always ______ and I will always smile/laugh when I think of that” “I always wondered if ____________” (give the opportunity to those grieving to share something about the person they are missing).  “I am a friend/colleague/neighbour of _______ and I will always remember ______________” “The thing I will miss the most is _________” “I noticed in the pictures ______ I didn’t know that ________” (refer to the pictures and posters that are often put together for a visitation or funeral – they take a lot of work and time).  Try to steer clear from saying things like: “Let me know if there is anything you need/anything I can do.” This puts the weight on the person grieving to reach out- and we know they seldom do. Instead say something like: I am going to check in with you next week before I head to get groceries and see what I can pick up for you (practical real life suggestions).  “They are in a better place/out of pain/no longer suffering.”  This diminishes the pain the person is experiencing and might make them question if their feelings are valid.  “At least they lived so long.” Etc. etc. All these types of platitudes can again minimize the experience and leave a griever wondering if their feelings are valid.  So, no magic phrase but hopefully some helpful ways to stay connected and offer support next time you find yourself face to face with someone grieving. Attending visitations and funerals can be a big source of support for people who are grieving. I hope you won’t steer away for fear of awkwardness or not knowing what to say. Often showing up is just enough.

One of the biggest questions or concerns I hear as an Ontario counsellor focusing on grieving is, “Is this normal?”. Well, there is no normal, there is no one way, your way will look different than others and thank goodness. We aren’t robots. Our relationships are different, our supports, coping skills and resources, are all different too.  So often we tell ourselves stories of what it should look like: the movies give us a romanticized image, and policies at work restrict us to impossible timelines, and we tell ourselves to buck up and move on. We tell ourselves things like “they were old”, “we would have had to move eventually anyways”, “the farm will still be taken care of”, and “some people have it worse” etc. Often we know deep down that this person or thing is worth us missing, remembering, and honouring, be it through our grief, rituals, memories or all of the above! The hardest part is going against the expectations that society has laid out for us.  Grief is a natural response to a loss, a change, or a transition. It is a response that can show up in our bodies, mind, mood etc. There are no set of symptoms or boxes to tick. Everyone’s experience will look different based on who they are, where they live, the loss, the support they have, and so on. As a grief counsellor working in Ontario, I would say for most people the best way through grief is just that, through it! Not dodging it or trying to rush it- grief does wait for us. Simply being aware of it and knowing there is no quick fix or treatment. Instead, focusing on supports and finding validation that is helpful, and building boundaries where necessary with those that aren’t. Maybe that’s a trusted friend, a professional support or a peer group.  Reach out to Rural Refresh (offering virtual counselling across Ontario and in person counselling in St Marys Ontario) to discuss what supports might be helpful for you.

I am well aware of the stress beyond the seat, the family, kids, people in the barn or in the home holding things together. But here I am talking to you- the farmer. The one in the seat, in the field and in a lot of situations maybe spending your waking hours both in the barn and in the seat.  Hear me out. You’re a farmer, you’ve had the seed and equipment ready to go, you know you have some sunshine and good weather before a big rain coming and are rushing to get the seed in the ground. You have some done, but a long way to go. But you’re burnt out, you’re on edge, and you have barely seen your family or communicated much with friends, let alone stopped for proper meals and food.  It’s a problem, it’s a culture, and for many it is a generational cycle, almost an expectation, and a grim reality of farming. All the while stress and suicide rates are on the rise. No one’s shocked, but often it’s the mentality that it’s just a part of the job, the lifestyle. There may be no quite fix, or lifestyle overhaul that will change the reality of the stress that accompanies work in agriculture (at least not one that I am aware of), but maybe instead the changes come from small steps towards wellbeing, or maybe just “betterbeing”.  Worth a try ways to boost your mood and find a wee bit more wellbeing while farming.  Call your kids before they go to bed or in the morning before they head off to camp or school (safely of course). A quick call from the tractor, a video, or a message that can be read to fill both your bucket and there’s.   If you’re in the field with a breakdown or waiting for a delivery or part, get out of the seat. Walk around, touch the dirt, and move your body, at least stand up! Drink more water! Your day is getting away on your, you’re later than you thought you’d be so you skipped meals and didn’t pack enough food. At very least pack more water! More than you think you’ll need, keep it in the tractor, have it accessible.  Listen to a podcast or call a friend. An uplifting one, something or someone that brings you joy or you feel will brighten the day.  Plan something to look forward to. Brainstorm in the tractor, think of ideas of places to visit or activities to do. You don’t have to have a deadline or date necessarily, but having something to look forward to might bring you beyond the stress of the season.  Small and sustainable changes this season – that’s where we can start.

Lots of information out there stating that there really is no scientific evidence for blue Monday. But I do feel it, maybe you do? Not necessarily Blue Monday but other days, the lacking sunshine, the dreary afternoons and long season. There can be a heaviness and a lacking of energy and joy that accompanies the winter months. Especially in Canada, in Ontario, there are lots of people that struggle with the season. Here are some ways that you might get through winter, and maybe even find some joy in your days this season.  Schedule in things to look forward to.  Make it simple and achievable: walk a new trail, indulge in a new show or find a new book. Make a date with a friend for coffee or schedule in plans to hit up a new local shop or bookstore. Add things to your calendar that bring you joy. There are so many free opportunities out there too! Learn something new.  Maybe this is from a new book your reading or a course or workshop available through your local library or a local business. Visit somewhere new, stop in at your local tourism centre. We don’t know it all and there is always more to learn. There are lots of online classes and places to learn for free.  List people to call or connect with.  Hey, if you’re feeling lonely or down, I can assure you that you aren’t the only one. Reach out with a phone call to someone you haven’t visited for a while. Does a phone call or visit sound scary? How about sending some snail mail, a note, text or card? Mail that isn’t a bill? That’s bound to lift anyone’s mood! Get outside! I know, but it’s dark, cold and damp. But hey, you know the benefits! I know you do! Maybe it’s just a few minutes, a walk to the mailbox, or shovelling off your walk way. Just a few minutes might be just the ticket to lift your spirits.  Be okay with slow days! If you’re like me this can be tough. But add things to your list if you must, things like watching a movie, baking a treat, staying in your pjs, having a hot drink. Lists don’t always have to be daunting. Maybe they are relaxing too?